Life lately is turning me into a lunatic conspiracy theorist. So much news, so little truth, so many sides. Is the fighting real, is this election real, is Kanye real? What do I do with all of these words and confounding feelings of impending doom?
I find myself believing so much…clinging to truths I cannot affirm, and abiding in things in which I find so much false security.
This is so exhausting.
There is no authority here in this place…no standards that aren’t brushed to the wayside. Yet, I believe, believe, believe in all of these practiced speeches and political promises.
I find my heart warming itself on a hearth filled with the trash of misguided trust. When it comes to times like these, sometimes I swear I’ve lost my faith, later finding it glowing faintly under the ash, smoldering in a heat unfelt for so long. It is a shame and shameful to realize the altar by which I’ve knelt.
Inside I understand and rationalize to myself, ‘you have felt the falsehood and what it bears, listen and turn away from the lie that tears the creator from creation’. But I cannot deny the idol of security I seek within.
While there is true goodness to hope for, where does my hope ultimately rest?
Is it a leader? Prosperity? Is it a peace promised by man?
Or is it the God that delivers?
We are to be one nation under the Lord, but that is a day yet to come. As the threshold of the election draws near today, I remind myself the only authority that can be found is in His word, and no Constitution, no leader, no fact-check can do it no supreme court justice.
And speaking of justice, it is coming. It is a justice we all crave. And I know I’m right to heed in fear. The problem is I’m afraid is that I’m fearing the wrong things. That I’m fearing the world and its policies and the comforts it might steal.
The Spirit within is my shelter who I pray, continue to speak truth and be my light. The right to be a Christian and feel right at home is a lie that the enemy speaks, Christ must be my hope alone.
Today I was reading and researching for a word to reconcile my anxiety from all of this. Opening my bible app searching the words ‘be still’ in my lack of memory, by providence was found the last word to this struggle.
“Then they will call me, but I won’t answer;
they will search for me, but won’t find me.
Because they hated knowledge,
didn’t choose to fear the LORD,
were not interested in my counsel,
and rejected all my correction,
they will eat the fruit of their ways
and be glutted with their own schemes.
For the turning away of the inexperienced will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them.
But whoever listens to me will live securely
and be free from the fear of danger.”
Proverbs 1:28-33
Pray with me friends, that his knowledge and truth is loud on our tongues. We are free from the fear of danger if we are indeed in Christ. Thankful today for these words soberly spoken. A faithful reminder that my sinful methods of comfort would be my end, but I can rejoice that I am free to live securely in the wakeful fear of God and no other. Good God, you are.
Continue to show me where I fall short, that I may worship Christ more in his abundance of covering grace.
Stages come and go. Good times pass, rough times pass. Then, life comes to a stand still every once in a while… ¤
That purgatory palace of neutral belonging in the calm. Not sure whether to call it peaceful break or a dried up desert that I’ve lost myself in. Either way, I think it’s necessary to say I’m definitely not depressed where I am, but I am quite far from the place I desire to be, what I want my heart to grow into. Inspiration is hard to come by when my eyes are stuck locked looking down at my motionless feet.
The thing is, comfort is abounding, opportunities to move are everywhere, but I still cling and scratch for more lifeless static to drown myself in.
“What’s in the static that is comforting?” I find myself asking. What is so enticingly desirable about nothing, numb, netherous nonsense?
Is it the escape? Is it due to a deep apathy in my core? A coping mechanism in some chaotic distortion of reality? The subtle jittery electrical nuances I find behind the glass are a twisted perception of amusing, adventurous change. Each flicker of light its own false promise of an image greater. I cling to these tiny confused things, harboring hope in the broken bits of tile fallen from the shattered remains of a glorious mosaic.
Video games, TV shows, pornography, news, selfies, films, articles, podcasts, reddit, with a forgotten hope in the background, hand-tuned out and forgotten without shame. Oh, the relevant insights they will give me. I place the order believing a promise, and I’m still waiting on the delivery on the second half of my self-assembled dining room table. Yeah, there are a lot of pieces missing here while I’m waiting on the next episode to come out.
袖岡由英
I’m aware of each nerve as that old familiar anxiety of impending actions and consequences flow downstream, whipping around the banks of my mind, playing out all the factors like late night crime scene reenactments. Chilling, stark imagery, with no distinct big picture. Directionless, mind numbing anxiety coupled with a misunderstanding of what I actually desire out of this life.
We are allotted this short time for something, right? We scramble so hard for meaning deconstructing all around us as if there is one. It’s innate to want an explanation as to why we care about ‘why’.
A reminder to myself: look around at the blessings. Not the directly material, but gifts such as the hands you have, the thoughts you get to think, the soft and delicate moment of rest that you seek. It can’t be crazy, nor evil to desire personal joy. It is ingrained in us to seek greatness outside of ourselves, and personally I’ve already found that channel, and I know I love that program…but I pause for only moments, only to continue flipping through the noise once again.
I’ll end this quickly and directly. I see myself and my generation clinging to the fleeting inadventure of the idea of adventure. Tragically we see the appeal of discovery, but we are consumed in the sad poison of presupposed understanding and projected identity. I petition those that hear to seek what lies beneath all these woes, laughs, and appreciations for greatness.
William Keckler
Let’s pray that we all find hope in the gift Christ bought, and if you aren’t of that persuasion, I’m hoping too for you to catch a glimpse of what I’m seeing, so that worship is placed where it is due, and so that nothing may sink us. Not fear, not relevance, not man, not falsely-guided passion, not death. Remind me to step out, friends. The truth is out there, and it is there not only to be known, but to be cherished by all who will.
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